As queer people we have all had to curb our queerness for the majority. Having to stay on the alert at all times is exhausting. Being queer is exhausting. Checking every room, scanning every person, to know how much is too much to show of yourself. Living in a small town is that constantly. As a kid, growing up is already confusing and then on top are the social pressures we have to be “normal.” Living in a small town full of people who think of you as subhuman deteriorates many aspects about yourself. My interview today, who will not be named and uses the pronouns they/them, live this reality constantly.
Q1. When was it you realized you were queer? Not in the sense of sexuality but that you were different?
“Ever since I was really young I had always known. Not about the sexuality aspect but that I was a lot different than a lot of the other kids. First of all, socialization wasn’t a thing for me before school. From a young age I was always sick, and had a weak immune system, the area I was when I was younger was not the most safe, which was hard to try and socialize. I realize that I was different because of the toys, shows and things I liked to do. My family began to question it, because I didn’t like to go outside and play in the dirt. I was always more comfortable reading books, playing with dolls or knick knacks. I would go over to my grandma’s house and I would always look at the hutches filled with chinaware and porcelain dolls, and it made me feel comfortable. I always expressed to my family that I was the opposite of a tomboy and that I was a tomgirl. I liked really girly things and I felt it shouldn’t be that much of an issue, but my family questioned it and it made me question myself. It took me until I was in seventh grade to come to terms with my sexuality. I never had the chance really to explore that until eighth grade.”
Q2. Have you struggled with your sexuality?
“Absolutely. I have always struggled with it since I started figuring out things. It wasn’t of me trying to accept myself, I was figuring out how I felt, and accurately describe it. As a kid, I never cared for labels. I just felt a constant pressure from everyone around me to “decide” on how I identify and how I feel. It was a hard time dealing with that from my peers and from my family. I am self-aware of how I act, move and speak. It doesn't worry me necessarily but I need to be conscious as much as I can. I have to read the room to see if I need to tone it down or full send and let myself do what I want.”
Q3. Have you ever struggled with your gender identity?
“When I was younger, it really wasn’t that big of a deal, because like I said I didn’t care. People would always ask me innoparite questions as a kid, trying to sexualize me, like “Are you a girl? Do you want to act like a little girl?” My response would always be, “Sometimes I feel boy-ish and other times I feel girly.” I never knew what they wanted me to say. I said that for a while and then I stopped because people weren’t taking it that well. Left it on the back burner of my brain. I was never afraid to express my femininity per say especially given the area I live, and I have to read the room to see how far I can push it. When I was in school, I would tone it down, but whenever I could go out, I let myself dress up how I want. As of recently for the past five years, I have struggled with that stuff. Mainly with me having body issues when it came to my weight, because I was really heavy as a child. I went about trying to lose weight in a healthy way, and then it took a dark turn and it became unhealthy. At the point that I am now, I realized, it wasn’t the weight that has been bothering me, it was how my body was genetically made. For the past year or so, that maybe all these things I wish I had for my body may lead to me being trans or female-presenting as a non-bianry individual. I always wanted a smaller waist and I always wanted to be petite. Recently, I have been struggling to come to terms with my gender identity as a human being. I always thought it would be easier to be a girl sometimes, we are living in a more progressive society, I still don’t feel comfortable. I have been thinking about names for if I go through with it. While a big part of me wants to, the situation I am in and where I live make it hard. I feel that it would be a dangerous thing to go through with, living where I do, or they might try and harm me in some way.”
Q4. What is it like living in a small town and being queer?
“Back in my home state it wasn’t that big of an issue. I dressed however I wanted and went through many phases. But moving to this area was a big culture shock because of the lack of diversity and lack of representation that minorities have in general. Moving here, minorities really stick together in this era for one big reason. I have been blessed to have the friends I do who have been able to help me understand more about representation. I have learned about ym history as a queer person and also other people’s struggles. Living here, for as long as I have, has been detrimental to my mental health. For the four years of high school I went to here, I have dealt with a lot of different things and how harmful it has been. I would have panic attacks going to school or even just thinking about going into P.E. class. I would avoid sections of the school that I knew I would be stared at, commented on, or hurt. I would stick with people I knew that would protect me. I have quick wit and a sharp tongue but that won’t help me in a fight. I tried to stay as quiet as I could, I was the quiet kid in the class. It was a real struggle trying to project myself, I would just stay in the shadows as much as I could. However because of my appearance, and since I did not care how I presented myself to people, it was a struggle. I would present myself however I wanted, but I wouldn’t give anyone weaponry with my speech, because then they could have double ammo. Walking around the town is a little better, but when I was in college, it was like the final nail in the coffin. I had such a terrible time in high school, that when I went to college, I saw so many people from high school and saw even more aggressive people. It has been a big struggle for my mental health living here.”
Q5. If you could go back and give your younger self some advice, what would it be?
“I would tell my younger self to not be so uptight. As a kid, I was so rigid. Everything was black and white. Looking back I knew that it was a defense mechanism. The way that people would talk to me, specifically my family, didn’t realize that the things they said were hurtful and damaging. Especially my mother, I love her so much, but there are things that she has said offhandedly that affect me to this day. I would say to not listen to others and all the pressure they will put on you. Think about yourself first. Not everyone is going to have your back, so you have to look out for yourself and be kind to others. Don;t be afraid to stand up for yourself, not everyone is going to accept you. That’s ok. That’s a part of life. You have to learn to deal with criticism and be the better person.”
Q6. Is there anything you would like to add?
“As a queer indivudal, I ahve to find ways to distract myself and make myself feel happy. Try to find something that can truly make you happy. Whether that be extracurriculars at school, or new hobbies, or exercising and such. I have always found comfort in the arts and exercising. Whenever I would feel down I could go workout for an hour and feel better about myself. Exercise releases endorphins and it helps you feel better. I have also found fine art to be a great way to feel good as well. Drawing is something I have loved since I was younger and it makes me feel better becaye what I know I’m making is good. Music is also something that is helpful, when I’m sad I can just drive around town belting whatever song that can get my emotions out. That really does help with whatever stress or feeling you have. I have learned that instead of taking it out on others, taking it out on a song is a lot more healthier.”
Learning to love who you are in every way is hard. We sometimes take for granted how our physical location can affect that. Living in a place that is in constant work against you can become a burden to even want to be yourself. Many people can understand. It’s fear. We have to think ahead of everyone else, to protect ourselves. Queer people have always lived in the shadows. Craving acceptance. There are many places that still push us into these shadows, and trust me, the dark is scary. Being queer is exhausting. Yet, at the same time, it’s what makes us who we are. The goal that I have for this blog is to connect to people like my interviewee. So that they won’t listen to others, and they can be themselves sooner. Living in the dark is scarier and most of the time, the light that is in reach, is blinding. Don’t be afraid of that light. To anyone reading who is struggling, just know, nothing can ever stay dark forever, there will be a light waiting for you, to add your sparkle to it.
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